Women

 

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

-- Joseph Addison

 

I married beneath me. All women do.

-- Lady Nancy Astor, attributed

 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.

-- Cher

 

Women: If they're not turning down your proposals for marriage, they're accusing you of suspicious behavior in the women's lingerie changing room.

-- Cliff Clavin, character on "Cheers", U.S. Television show

 

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

-- William Congreve

 

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

-- Isadora Duncan

 

All women are born evil. Some just realize their potential later in life than others.

-- Chad A. Gamble, Escape, short story

 

There is nothing so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can't set it right in the course of an afternoon.

-- Giraudoux

 

The society of women is the element of good manners.

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.

-- Jonathan S. Haas

 

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.

-- Joseph Heller, God Knows

 

Woman was God's second mistake.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

-- Aristotle Onassis

 

Women are like tea bags; put them in hot water and they get stronger.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I hate women because they always know where things are.

-- James Thurber

 

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

-- Rebecca West, 1913

 

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

-- Virginia Woolf

Men/Women

 

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

-- Anonymous

 

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

-- Dave Barry

 

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.

-- Robert Briffault

 

Want him to be more of a man? Try being more of a woman!

-- Coty Perfume Ad

 

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

-- Honore de Balzac

 

Women see better than men. Men see lazily, if they do not expect to act. Women see quite without any wish to act.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.

-- Jane Goodsell

 

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.

-- Robert Graves

 

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

-- Sacha Guitry

 

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

-- Elbert Hubbard

 

If men knew all that women think, they'd be twenty times more daring.

-- Alphonse Karr

 

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

-- Fran Lebowitz

 

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.

-- Margaret Mead

 

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing they marry later, for another thing they die earlier.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

-- Gloria Steinem

 

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

-- Gloria Steinem

 

God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

-- Benjamin Tillett

 

If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

-- Jenny Weber

 

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.

-- Mae West

 

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

-- Mae West

 

Whatever women do they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

-- Charlotte Whitton

 

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.

-- Oscar Wilde

 

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?

-- Virginia Woolf

Husbands/Wives

 

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

-- Anonymous

 

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

-- Anonymous

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

-- Anonymous

 

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

-- Anonymous

 

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

-- Anonymous

 

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

-- Jim Backus

 

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

-- Dave Barry

 

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

-- Baudelaire

 

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

-- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette

 

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

-- Victor Borge

 

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.

-- Anne Bradstreet

 

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

-- Lenny Bruce

 

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

-- Lenny Bruce

 

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

-- Mary Buckley

 

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

 

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with.

-- Peg Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

 

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

-- Archie Bunker, character on "All in the Family," U.S. television show

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

-- Agatha Christie

 

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

-- Honore de Balzac

 

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about "short" and "cheap"?

-- Phyllis Diller

 

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

-- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

 

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

-- Benjamin Franklin

 

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye.

-- Thomas Fuller, 1732

 

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.

-- Sacha Guitry

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-- Sacha Guitry

 

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

-- Edgar Watson Howe

 

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

-- Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

 

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

-- Shirley MacLaine

 

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

-- Groucho Marx

 

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

-- W. Somerset Maugham

 

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

-- Michel de Montaigne

 

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

-- Ogden Nash

 

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.

-- Poor Jimmy's Almanac

 

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

-- Helen Rowland

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

 

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

-- Adela Rogers St. John

 

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.

-- Billy Sunday

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

-- Lana Turner

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

-- Oscar Wilde

 

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

-- Henny Youngman

Love

 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. {2} If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. {3} If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. {4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. {5} It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. {6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. {7} It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. {8} Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. {9} For we know in part and we prophesy in part, {10} but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. {11} When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. {12} Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. {13} And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ,

--1 Corinthians 13 NIV

 

Love and stoplights can be cruel.

--Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show

 

Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is.

-- Diane Ackerman

 

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

-- Anonymous

 

The fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much.

-- Anonymous

 

We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first.

-- Anonymous

 

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

-- Anonymous

 

Wind is to fire like distance is to love; it extinguishes the small and enflames the great.

-- Anonymous

 

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.

-- Marcus Aurelius

 

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

-- Lynda Barry

 

All you need is love.

-- The Beatles, song title

 

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

-- The Beatles, The last lyric of their last song

 

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

 

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

 

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

 

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.

-- Countess of Blessington

 

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

-- Charlie Brown, character in "Peanuts" comic strip, created by Charles Schultz

 

Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be but as it is--is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.

-- Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat

 

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

-- David Chambless

 

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

-- G. K. Chesterton

 

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

 

Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words.

-- Fr. Jerome Cummings

 

Honor the ocean of love.

-- George de Benneville

 

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.

-- François de La Rouchefoucauld

 

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.

-- François de La Rouchefoucauld

 

There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.

-- François de La Rouchefoucauld

 

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

 

We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.

-- Mme de Staël

 

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

-- Lord Dewar

 

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

-- Albert Einstein

 

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

-- Albert Einstein

 

Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.

-- French Proverb

 

Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.

-- Sigmund Freud

 

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

-- Erich Fromm

 

Where there is love there is life.

-- Gandhi

 

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

-- Khalil Gibran

 

We love because it's the only true adventure.

-- Nikki Giovanni

 

We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.

-- William Gladstone

 

There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From it springs the purest courtesy in the outward behavior.

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

-- Matt Groening, Love is Hell

 

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

-- Matt Groening, Love is Hell

 

People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

-- John Harrigan

 

Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.

-- Louise Hay

 

The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

-- Helen Hayes

 

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.

-- M. Hirschfield

 

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

-- Lisa Hoffman

 

The love we give away is the only love we keep.

-- Elbert Hubbard

 

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

-- Victor Hugo

 

Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbors as being very much.

-- Zora Neale Hurston

 

The closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free.

-- Indigo Girls, song lyric

 

I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not.

-- Robert G. Ingersoll

 

Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. the foundation of such a method is love.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

-- Lao Tzu

 

Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.

-- D. H. Lawrence

 

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

-- Michael Leunig

 

An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.

-- Harold Loukes

 

To love another person is to see the face of God.

-- Lyric from Les Miserables

 

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain.

-- Lyster

 

Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other.

-- W. Somerset Maugham

 

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

-- H. L. Mencken

 

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

-- Dr. Karl Menninger

 

Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age.

-- Jeanne Moreau

 

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

-- Mother Teresa

 

We can do no great things; only small things with great love.

-- Mother Teresa

 

Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.

-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

 

Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.

-- George Jean Nathan

 

True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, First Part: On Reading and Writing

 

To be able to say how much love, is love but little.

-- Petrarch

 

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

-- Agnes Repplier

 

Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack.

-- Mary Roberts Rhinehart

 

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

 

This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

 

The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

-- Tom Robbins

 

The lover knows much more about absolute good and universal beauty than any logician or theologian, unless the latter, too, be lovers in disguise.

-- George Santayana

 

In endowing us with memory, nature has revealed to us a truth utterly unimaginable to the unreflective creation, the truth of immortality....The most ideal human passion is love, which is also the most absolute and animal and one of the most ephemeral.

-- George Santayana, Reason in Religion

 

The course of true love never did run smooth.

-- William Shakespeare

 

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

-- William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act i. Sc. 1.

 

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal consistency of the women who love me.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

Soul meets soul on lovers lips.

-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person that loves you enough chance to love you enough.

-- Dinah Shore

 

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

-- Sophocles

 

Love is stronger than justice.

-- Sting

 

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4

 

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

-- Mother Teresa

 

We can do not great things - only small things with great love.

-- Mother Theresa

 

The first duty of love is to listen.

-- Paul Tillich

 

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

-- Lily Tomlin

 

Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford--but you'll take him anyway.

-- Judith Viorst

 

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

-- Judith Viorst

 

Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.

-- Judith Viorst

 

Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.

-- John Wesley

 

Who, being loved, is poor?

-- Oscar Wilde

 

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.

-- Marianne Williamson

 

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

-- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

 

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

-- Henny Youngman

Marriage (Positive)

 

Marriage is more than four bare legs in a bed.

-- Hoshang N. Akhtar

 

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

-- Anonymous

 

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."

-- Anonymous

 

Is it better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.

-- Amy Bloom

 

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.

-- Barbara Bush, first lady, 1989

 

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

-- Homer, Odyssey, ninth century B.C.

 

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage

-- Martin Luther

 

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

-- John Lyly

 

A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.

-- Nanette Newman, British actress

 

Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them.

-- Sydney Smith

 

With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow.

-- Wedding Vow, Book of Common Prayer

Marriage (Negative)

 

All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult.

-- Anonymous

 

He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job.

-- Anonymous

 

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

-- Anonymous

 

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

-- Anonymous

 

It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman should ever refuse an offer of marriage.

-- Jane Austen

 

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

-- Baskins

 

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

-- Ambrose Bierce

 

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

 

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives.

-- James Boswell, Life of Johnson

 

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

 

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin!

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

 

I hate work. That's why I got married.

-- Peg Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

 

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

-- Samuel Butler

 

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

-- Johnny Carson

 

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

-- Chekhov

 

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

-- G. K. Chesterton

 

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

-- S. T. Coleridge

 

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

-- Irwin Corey

 

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.

-- Noel Coward

 

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

-- Cass Daley

 

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

-- Bette Davis

 

Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness.

-- Madame de Rieux

 

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.

-- Benjamin Franklin

 

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

-- Benjamin Franklin

 

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

-- French saying

 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

-- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

 

Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.

-- James Graham

 

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

-- Lewis Grizzard

 

Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

-- Marx Groucho, the film "Animal Crackers"

 

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

-- Katharine Hepburn

 

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony.

-- Oliver Herford

 

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.

-- John Heywood

 

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off!

-- Douglas Jerold, 1858

 

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.

-- Samuel Johnson

 

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

-- Sam Kinison

 

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.

-- F. M. Knowles

 

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

-- Stephen Leacock

 

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.

-- Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

 

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

-- Dick Martin

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

 

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

-- Groucho Marx

 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

-- Jackie Mason

 

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

-- James Holt McGavran

 

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful.

-- Phyllis McGinley

 

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

-- Michel de Montaigne

 

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

-- Ogden Nash

 

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.

-- Cesare Pavese

 

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.

-- Rogers

 

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

-- Will Rogers

 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

-- Helen Roland

 

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.

-- Helen Rowland

 

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

-- Helen Rowland

 

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

-- Helen Rowland

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

-- Rita Rudner

 

To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

-- Arthur Schopenhauer

 

Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper.

-- Scottish Proverb

 

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

-- Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

 

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

-- Herbert Spencer

 

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

-- Gloria Steinem

 

Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener.

-- Pauline Thomason

 

Marriage isn't a word... it's a sentence.

-- King Vidor, in the 1928 film, The Crawl

 

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

-- Wedding Toast

 

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

-- Mae West

 

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.

-- Oscar Wilde

 

Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree.

-- Oscar Wilde

 

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.

-- Oscar Wilde

Men

 

Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

 

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

-- Anonymous

 

Some men are born with cold feet; some acquire cold feet; and some have cold feet thrust upon them.

-- Anonymous

 

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

-- Anonymous

 

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.

-- Russell Baker

 

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:
* Both of your socks should always be the same color
* Or they should at least both be fairly dark

-- Dave Barry

 

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.

-- Jilly Cooper

 

For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.

-- Clifton Fadiman

 

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?

-- Holbrook Jackson

 

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

-- Margo Kaufman

 

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

-- Jean Kerr

 

I require three things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

-- Dorothy Parker

 

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely.

-- Bette-Jane Raphael

 

Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to.

-- Seen on a t-shirt

 

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

-- Mae West

 

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

-- Mae West

 

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

-- Mae West

Reason

 

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"

-- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

 

Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse.

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

-- Blaise Pascal, Pens&eactue;es, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer

 

 

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.

-- Blaise Pascal, Thoughts, Chap. x. 1., Translated by O. W. Wight

 

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

-- Oscar Wilde

Romance/Relationships

 

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

-- American Proverb

 

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

-- Anonymous

 

Here's to you and here's to me,
and I hope we never disagree.
But, if that should ever be,
to HELL with you, here's to ME!
 

-- Anonymous

 

They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But he finally decided to let her go.

-- Anonymous

 

They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

-- Anonymous

 

They're almost inseparable. Sometimes it takes ten people to separate them.

-- Anonymous

 

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.

-- Elizabeth Ashley

 

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

-- Ray Bandy

 

I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."

-- Mike Binder

 

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

-- Jonathan Carroll, Outside the Dog Museum

 

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.

-- Finley Peter Dunne, Mr. Dooley On Making A Will, 1919

 

I think, therefore I'm single.

-- Female philosopher

 

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

-- Rose Franken

 

Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.

-- Fredrich Halm

 

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

-- Katharine Hepburn

 

There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomachs.

-- Barbara Howar

 

With the catching end the pleasures of the chase.

-- Abraham Lincoln

 

We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.

-- Marlin Finch Lupus

 

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

-- Groucho Marx

 

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.

-- Moliere

 

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.

-- Lisa Moriyama

 

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

-- Christopher Morley

 

The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life's major mysteries.

-- Iris Murdoch

 

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

When yer in a funk, people in love are a royal pain in the patookus.

-- Portnoy, character in "Outland," comic strip by Berkely Breathed

 

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

-- Caroline Rhea

 

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

-- Rita Rudner

 

Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.

-- William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

 

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

-- George Bernard Shaw

 

Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.

-- Deborah Tannen, You Just Don't Understand

 

The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.

-- Andy Warhol

 

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

-- Oscar Wilde

 

I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

-- William Butler Yeats, from "He wishes for the cloths of heaven"

Sex

 

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

-- Woody Allen

 

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

-- Brendon Behan

 

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

Sex is God's joke on human beings.

-- Bette Davis

 

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

-- Gloria Leonard

 

Sex is hardly ever just about sex.

-- Shirley Maclaine

 

The closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing."

-- Sam Malone, character played by Ted Danson on Cheers, U.S. television show, in respsonse to Diane telling him to say "no" to her friend's alleged sexual advances.

 

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

-- Groucho Marx

 

If all these sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

-- Dorothy Parker

 

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

-- Charles Pierce